Welcome to Funstuff
Jokes page.
What advice don't
you want to hear from a doctor before an operation?
Whatever you do, don't go into the light.
Surgeons do it, Consultants talk about it, Radiologists just look at the pictures.
Radiology Definitions:
Barium: - What you do when they're dead
Cystogram: - an email sent to your sister
Isodense: - Radiography student after sitting finals
Pleural: - More than one
Sacral: - Holy
Sella: - A good place to keep your wine.
Four consultants went duck hunting - a registrar, a radiologist, a surgeon and a pathologist. The registrar was up first.
The ducks flew over and he aimed the shotgun but didn't fire. When asked why he replied that he thought they looked like ducks coming towards him,
but geese flying away, when i was sure what they were they were gone.
The radiologist was next. The ducks flew over, the radiologist raised his gun but didn't fire.
When asked why he said that he thought they were ducks on the AP view, but by the time he could see
them in the lateral it was too late.
Next was the surgeon. As the ducks came along he started firing wildly in the air, ducks falling like rain.
When the smoke cleared he picked up the ducks, handed them to the pathologist saying "here you are.
Now tell me are these ducks or not?"
A Professor :-
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God.
A Senior Consultant :-
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a shunting engine
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God.
A Consultant :-
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
Is almost as powerful as a shunting engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved.
A Senior Registrar :-
Barely clears a pre-fabricated hut
Loses a tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God.
A Registrar :-
Makes high marks on a wall when trying to clear tall buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring himself
Doggy paddles
Talks to animals.
An SHO :-
Runs into buildings
Recognises locomotives two times out of three
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls.
An HO :-
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says 'look at the choo-choo'
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself.
A Radiographer :-
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Picks locomotives off the track
Catches speeding bullets in teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
They are God.
I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but it was only some manager with a torch bringing me more work!
All targets met
All systems working
All customers satisfied
All staff eager and enthusiastic
All pigs fed and ready to fly.
You believe that all bleeping stops ... eventually.
You find humour in doctors stupidity.
You believe that 90% of people come into A&E because they're bored.
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the
nicest restaurants.
Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most
computers.
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group.
You have the bladder capacity of five people.
Your idea of a good time is an RTA at shift change.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis.
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase
"Wow, it's really quiet isn't it".
You threaten to strangle anyone who even start to say the "q" word when it is
even remotely calm.
You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers at the
grocery store..
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea
how that got stuck in there".
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh
uncontrollably after taking a film.
Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
You think that caffeine should be available in I/V form.
You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of
birth control.
You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from
symptom onset.
Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an
emergency after 6 hours / days / weeks / months / years)?".
Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack
squirrels in the backyard.
What's the difference between a physician, a surgeon, a
psychiatrist, and a pathologist ?
The physician knows everything and does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.
The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
The pathologist knows everything, but always a week too late.
Change of Careers
After several years as an Obs-Gynae, a doctor decides he's tired of what he's been
doing and wants to change his career. He wonders what other type of work he can
do. After a while, the Ob-Gyn remembers how much he liked automotive class in
school and, since he's good with his hands, he decides to become an auto
mechanic. He enrols at the community college automotive school.
Upon his completion of his course, the final exam consists of taking a car
engine apart and putting it back together. The doctor turns in his final
project and, to his astonishment, receives a grade of 150%. After class, the
Obs-Gynae says to the instructor, "You know, I've gotten plenty of 100%'s in my
life, but how does someone get 150% ?"
"Well," responds the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart,
50% for putting the engine back together and .... another 50% for doing
everything through the exhaust system"!
Good News / Bad News
A man goes to his doctor for his routine examination. After examining the man,
the doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like
to hear first ?"
The man says, "I don't like the sound of that. Give me the bad news first."
The doctor says, "OK. You have a terrible, debilitating illness. You will be
dead within three months. In those three months, you will lose your short term
memory, then your long term memory, followed by the use of all four limbs and
control of your bowels and bladder. You will quickly become a burden to your
family and caregivers until you die a helpless mass."
The man says, "Oh my God, that's the worst news I've ever heard. What could
possibly be the good news ?"
"Did you see that beautiful blonde nurse who brought you into this examination
room?" asked the doctor.
The man replies, "Yes".
"The good news," says the doctor, "is that I'm sleeping with her !!"
updated - 14 August 2004
©2004 Radiology Department Peterborough
and Stamford Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust. All
rights reserved.
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